Catching Unicorns: When Your Fantasy Third Deserves Better

Let's be real—your relationship's fantasy lineup probably isn't what keeps ethical non-monogamy educators up at night. But that "perfect bisexual woman" you and your partner have been hunting? She's got a name in the community: Unicorn. And like her mythical namesake, she's elusive for good reason.

If you've ever swiped as a couple looking for that magical third—you know, the one who'll join your bedroom adventures, fall equally in love with both of you, and conveniently disappear when things get complicated—this is your wake-up call. Not because your desires are wrong, but because we all deserve better relationships than what unicorn hunting typically delivers.

Think you're just "exploring options"?

Let's unpack those options with the same enthusiasm we'd give to analyzing your attachment style or mapping your erogenous zones. Because what happens in your king-sized bed isn't just about the positions—it's about the power.

When "Third Wheel" Isn't Just a Figure of Speech

When couples hunt for their unicorn, they're typically shopping for someone who will:

1. Rock both your worlds sexually (because bisexual women exist primarily for your pleasure, right? Wrong)
2. Sign the relationship contract you've already drafted (without a lawyer or even a red pen)
3. Be exactly as involved as you want—no more, no less (like ordering emotional intimacy from a menu)
4. Gracefully exit stage left when your relationship hits turbulence (because who needs closure anyway?)

Research on consensual non-monogamy suggests healthy relationships aren't built on pre-packaged hierarchies but on radical honesty and shared power. As one researcher put it: if you wouldn't treat your primary partner that way, why would you treat someone else that way?

Let's be honest—if you're making rules about someone before they even enter the room, you're not creating a relationship. You're creating a job posting. And darling, the benefits package usually leaves something to be desired.

The Power Imbalance Is Showing (And It's Not a Good Look)

The issue with unicorn hunting isn't the threesome fantasy—your desires are valid, and three-person pleasure can be glorious when done right. The issue is treating a whole human being like an accessory to your relationship.

Relationship psychologists have confirmed what anyone who's ever been the "third" already knows: being the newcomer to an established couple often feels like attending a party where everyone else knows the inside jokes. Except instead of mildly awkward small talk, you're navigating intimacy with two people who retreat to each other when things get real.

When the unicorn feels uncomfortable? "We need to protect our relationship." When the unicorn develops stronger feelings for one partner? "We need to protect our relationship." When the unicorn asks for equal input on decisions? You guessed it—"the primary relationship comes first."

Let's call it what it is: couple privilege. And like white privilege or straight privilege, it doesn't make you a villain for having it—but refusing to acknowledge or address it? That's when things get ethically murky.

So You Still Want a Third? Let's Make It Ethical (And Actually Hot)

If adding another person to your relationship still sounds appealing (which is totally fair—the human heart and libido are wonderfully expansive), here's how to do it without the ick factor:

Consider the Professional Route (Yes, We're Talking Sex Workers)

Let's be refreshingly honest: sex workers are relationship professionals with skills most of us could only dream of mastering. Here's why they're often the most ethical option for couples exploring threesomes:

1. They're trained in maintaining boundaries (no messy heartbreak when your rules inevitably clash with their feelings)
2. They bring expertise in navigating complex desires and dynamics (like having a relationship doula, but sexier)
3. The power exchange is transparent and consensual (everyone understands the arrangement)
4. They can provide valuable feedback about your dynamic as a couple (cheaper than couples therapy, and potentially more insightful)

Hiring a professional creates a clear container for exploration without putting an unsuspecting unicorn in a potentially harmful situation. Plus, you're supporting sex workers' livelihoods—ethical non-monogamy and economic justice in one delicious package.

Check Your Intentions (Like You'd Check Your Sexual Health)

Before creating that joint dating profile, ask yourselves:

• Are we treating this person like a sex toy with a pulse, or as a full human with their own desires?
• If this person only connects with one of us, will we implode? (If yes, you might not be ready)
• Are we expecting them to follow rules they had no part in creating? (Spoiler: not sexy)

Studies show that relationships with clear, consensual intentions lead to better sex and deeper connections. Who knew that treating people with respect could be such an aphrodisiac?

Consider Additional Professional Support (Because DIY Projects Aren't Always Best)

Just as you wouldn't DIY your IUD insertion, some relationship expansions benefit from professional guidance:

1. Sex-positive therapists who understand the nuances of consensual non-monogamy
2. Relationship coaches who've navigated these waters (and the inevitable storms)
3. Ethical non-monogamy educators who can help you avoid common pitfalls

Think of it as relationship preventative care—much easier than emergency relationship repair.

Start Where Everyone's Equal (Not Where You Have Home Court Advantage)

Instead of bringing someone into your established relationship (where the power imbalance is already baked in), consider:

• Sex-positive workshops where everyone's there to learn
• Community events where connections form organically
• Discussion groups where you can meet others interested in ethical non-monogamy
• Attend a sex positive play party. The internet is full of exciting curated events in your area

These spaces level the playing field and reduce the "two against one" dynamic that makes traditional unicorn hunting problematic. Plus, there's something wildly sexy about meeting people in contexts where everyone's growth-oriented and communicative.

What Research Actually Says About Three-Person Relationships
While the unicorn hunters of Tinder might have you believe otherwise, psychological research on polyamory reveals some fascinating truths:

• Consensual non-monogamy isn't linked to poorer mental health outcomes (despite what your judgmental aunt might think)
• Relationships with explicit communication protocols tend to navigate jealousy more effectively than those that avoid the topic
• The healthiest non-monogamous relationships prioritize flexibility over rigid rules

In other words, it's not the number of people in your bed that determines relationship success—it's how thoughtfully you navigate power, communication, and emotional needs.

Ethical Triad-Building: Not Just Possible, But Potentially Amazing

What makes the difference between predatory unicorn hunting and beautiful three-person connections? It's simpler (and harder) than you might think:

• Equal voice in creating boundaries (because "rules" sound like something imposed on children, not lovers)
• Emotional support flowing in all directions (not just toward preserving the original couple)
• Space for authentic connection (rather than trying to fit someone into your fantasy blueprint)
• Flexibility to evolve (because relationships are living things, not contracts carved in stone)

If that sounds like more work than you bargained for—congratulations on your self-awareness! Maybe stick to fantasy role-play with your current partner instead of involving someone else's heart.

Questions to Ask Before You Update Your Dating Profiles
If you're serious about creating space for a third person in your relationship, ask yourselves these decidedly unsexy but crucial questions:

• If this person falls deeply in love with one of us but merely likes the other, how will we handle it?
• What happens if they want to bring in their new partner? (The horror!)
• How do we ensure this person gets equal say in everything from date nights to sexual boundaries?
• Are we prepared for our existing relationship to transform into something completely new?
  

If answering these makes you squirm, consider whether you're truly ready for the beautiful complexities of ethical non-monogamy.

Conclusion: Connection Requires Real Integrity

Here's the truth, served straight up: there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting multiple partners. The human heart doesn't come with capacity limits.

The ethical concerns around unicorn hunting aren't about judging your desires—they're about ensuring everyone involved gets to be a full person with agency, not just a fantasy fulfillment service.

If you're genuinely interested in creating space for a third person in your relationship, approach it with the same care you'd give any significant relationship shift. The rewards can be extraordinary—deeper connections, expanded love, and yes, potentially mind-blowing sexual experiences—but only when built on mutual respect and genuine care for everyone involved.

Remember: real unicorns aren't captured—they choose to approach when they sense authenticity and safety. Be worthy of that approach.

 
Note: This article is intended to make you think, smirk, and possibly squirm in recognition—sometimes simultaneously. Individual relationships vary greatly, and what works for one person may not work for another. If you're exploring non-monogamous relationships, consider working with a therapist who specialises in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. Your future partners will thank you.